Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Seek kebab; not attention
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd