Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
#Caturday
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.