The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
men are simple creatures
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair