I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If a snake ate a cake
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”