Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks