Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
You Might Also Like
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast