told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
You Might Also Like
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
bears
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Where’s my employee discount too?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I only eat vegetarians.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏