Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
i spent way too long on this
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
#Caturday
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.