Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.