Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
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Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Don’t tell me what to do
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?