prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians