Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*puts cutlery down*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.