If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.