There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.