I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.