I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.