They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.