Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute