Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Time heals everything 🙂
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
what kind of cook setting is this??
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”