a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.