My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.