Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.