[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.