[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”