[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.