Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
where do you see yourself in five years?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Every work meeting this week
Breaking news:
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.