hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator