[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
CRYING
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.