My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
boat question
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.