[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
#MeanwhileInCanada
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair