Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.