If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Who chose this font
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT