If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window