Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
You Might Also Like
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]