*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You Might Also Like
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Mad Max Arctic Road
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word