My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks