Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
The dark side of Canada
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Breaking news:
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon