Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
where the womens at?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*