I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
only 11 steps left
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS