hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.