if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..