Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.