A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”