Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Home is where your toilet is.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.