I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*