Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
You Might Also Like
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I’m literally crying
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”