You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about