“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.