At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My what?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.