Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
For anyone who needs this today
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.